Sunday, September 12, 2010

Addicted to Health

I've been completely angsty the last few days - a feeling that I really don't enjoy and want to move on from.  For the past few days, I've kind of been vacillating between just going to the store and charging an ungodly amount of food to my credit card OR just staying put and breathing through this little transition period.  Luckily, I've opted for the latter.  I've learned a few things about myself while sitting on my hands and eyeing my Discover card.

1.  I have become addicted to food.  Granted, I've always been addicted to food.  You don't gain a significant amount of weight in a short amount of time, then keep it, and add on 20 more pounds over the next decade if you don't like food.  I guess the difference is, in my heavier days, I was never obsessed with food.  I never thought about what I was going to eat, though when I did eat, I did in excess.  I never sat staring at the clock waiting for a set time that I deemed it ok to eat again.  When I was hungry, I ate.  So I ate around the clock.  There is no way that I was actually hungry all the time, but I miss the days when I didn't set such rigid food rules for myself.  Even though I made unhealthy choices, it was a much healthier frame of mind, and one I am working toward redeveloping.

2.  Like any addiction, withdrawal takes time.  I haven't had yogurt in almost two weeks.  Beautiful broccoli hasn't entered my maw in over seven days.  It hurts to think about, but it's ok.  I'm ok.  I'm starting to realize that I wasn't eating those things because I was hungry, but because they taste good and I ate them in a timely manner.  Those aren't bad reasons to eat, but I had more of a Pavlovian response to them than an actual appetite.  "It's three.  Time for Chobani."  Since I haven't had my Chobani, I've noticed that I am less hungry.  This could be a sign that I am shame-spiralling into a deep depression, OR I like to think that without the stimuli to get all panting and excited about, my response (Automatic 3 o'clock hunger) has changed. 

3.  It isn't worth it to me to cry over ripped lavash...and yeah, I have this past week on multiple occasions.  Food is food is food.  While I might not yet resort to sustaining myself of Hamburger Helper, if my meals aren't ideal for the next couple of weeks, I choose not to sweat it.  I'm lucky to be eating.  In this city.  In this state.  In this world.  Billions of people are doing without basic human needs.  I think I'll survive a spell without hummus.

Well, I'm off to help my dad make some pork won-tons.  Poor me! 


  1. sounds like you've really been learning a lot - it's so important to take time to reflect!

  2. I'm glad you chose the latter. We can become really reliant on our habits, which we think will make us happy, but really is because we're just so used to them.

    Food is food is food. Good reminder.